But I’m not supposed to…. feel this way!
I’m supposed to be grateful. I’m supposed to embrace every moment and every minute. I’m supposed to accept the things that are changing. I’m supposed to know that my body is going to do things I’ve never imagined. I’m supposed to be ok with feeling large and uncomfortable. I’m supposed to smile when all I want to do is cry. I’m supposed to love it all. I’m supposed to love being pregnant. But I don’t. And who says “I’m supposed to” anyway …
I’ve endured a lot to get to this healthy pregnancy and so many times I question WHY I feel the way I do. Is it normal? Am I the only pregnant woman that has felt this way? Do others struggle with this but it’s not spoken of?
Well if you know me and follow my story, I’m very transparent – one for sharing the whole picture of ME, both my victories as well as my struggles. This is most definitely a struggle that I’m going through. However, you also know that I’m not just going to settle for “it is what it is!” I want to get to the root of my feelings and work to be better.
Take a walk with me…
This pregnancy was unexpectedly expected. To say I wasn’t trying to conceive would be a major understatement. You can read my path to pregnancy here. Because it took so long, I have convinced or tried to convince myself that I should be enjoying all that I’m experiencing. If I may be brutally honest, I can’t say that I am.
First trimester was nothing short of challenging. I was sick the whole time. Morning sickness? What is that? I had ALL day sickness. My only way of explaining it is that I felt like I had a severe hangover (obviously I didn’t!) that never actually got vomit sick or recovered from. It was n.o.t fun!
Second trimester – energy levels started to come back. I continued to exercise and felt more human. But to say that I felt AMAZING would be crazy. I felt pregnant, bloated, and insecure about how I looked. I wanted the bump to be a bump, yet I just looked like I was gaining weight. I even had people tell me, “you don’t look 5 months pregnant – just like you’ve gained some weight!” Umm… I think I’d rather look pregnant – thanks! Second trimester was mentally challenging for me.
Being in my third trimester at 33 weeks, I’m more emotional than I want to admit. I know that hormones play a role in pregnancy but I would be a liar if I sat here and told you that it wasn’t anything more than that. Yes, the heat, heartburn, my swollen fingers and feet are a factor but that’s not just it. And here is why…
For many years I struggled with my weight, feeling insecure, wishing for confidence and hoping for this or that to change but never really knowing how to get where I could only dream of. Well, a little over 2 years ago I took the bull by the horns and decided to figure it all out. I have worked so hard to get myself healthy, both physically and mentally. And I did! However, throughout this pregnancy I feel my insecurities flooding back in. And I hate it! I don’t like the feeling it gives me and being the control freak that I am – I don’t WANT to feel this way.
If you’ve ever been pregnant then you know that some things are just out of your control… my belly is obviously growing, I’m obviously gaining weight, I’m going to feel tired and uncomfortable… I’m growing a human for lord’s sake! But it’s my mindset that has me all messed up. And I contribute a lot of it to where I used to be, the progress I made and where I am now. I want to feel like a million dollars again! I want to feel confident in my body. And then I think to myself – you are EXACTLY where you’re supposed to be!
I believe in the silver lining. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe I’m placed in these situations because I’m strong enough to live through them and share my story so others don’t feel alone in theirs. I’m blessed for this little miracle growing inside of me. My heart smiles when this baby moves and I know there is life inside of me. It’s all I’ve wished, worked and hoped for. And then I’m more content with myself and where I’m at.
I’m not supposed to… fit the norm! ♥